Limericks
by Cleo the Muse
Summary: No plot whatsoever. Busted up and confined to the infirmary, SG1 finds a way to pass the time. Again.
1. Limericks I

**Limericks** by Cleo the Muse  
Rating: All Ages  
Genre: General, Humor  
Warnings: Bad poetry.  
Episodes: None, and could be set in any season featuring the original team.  
Synopsis: No plot whatsoever. Busted up and confined to the infirmary, SG-1 finds a way to pass the time.  
Status: Completed as of November 18, 2006  
Notes: Well, after that not-so-pleasant 'fic I just posted, I was suddenly inspired to be humorous. Also, I happened to come across something recently that reminded me of the Star Trek episode... but I can't remember what it was, now.

* * *

**Limericks**

_"There once was a lady from Venus,  
Whose body was shaped like a--"  
-- Data,_ Star Trek: The Next Generation _"The Naked Now"_

"There once was a linguist, first class,  
Who did greetings and meetings _en masse_:  
Every alien and peasant  
Both nice and unpleasant  
'Til a Jaffa shot him in the--"

"Sir!"

"Jack!"

"I believe you have been given too great a quantity of anesthetic, O'Neill."

"Nah, I'm just having some fun."

"You were rhyming, Jack. Limericks. And my ah--er, butt hurts."

"Sorry 'bout that. Guess this was the one time teaching you to duck didn't help, eh? Besides, limericks are a fine Irish tradition. 'There once was a lady from Venus--'"

"Don't even go there, Jack."

"You're no fun."

"There once was a colonel named Jack--"

"Easy there, Danny..."

"--In patience and politeness did lack--"

"Do not."

"--When a linguist he knew  
Told a limerick or two  
Which served to get at him back."

"Hey, now!"

"You're just upset that it took you a whole twenty minutes to come up with yours and I did mine in less than a minute."

"Oh yeah? Well you said 'a limerick or two', so where's the other one?"

"Uh..."

"In the midst of a whole lot of noise--"

"Et tu, Carter?"

"--Sat a woman, just 'one of the boys'  
Though she found them amusing,  
She'd rather be using  
Her free time to test out new toys."

"That new specto-thingy?"

"Spectrometer, sir. I can't wait to use it on our next mineral survey."

"Mmmm... mineral survey. There once was an SGC general,  
Who sent teams to collect every mineral  
Of all shapes and sizes,  
Some of 'em prizes...  
Uh... crap."

"I don't think that rhymes with 'general', Jack."

"Think you can do any better?"

"There once was an SGC general,  
Who sent teams to collect every mineral  
Of compositions diverse  
'Cross the whole universe,  
But he found that most minerals were general."

"That cheats. Hey, no movin' around with those stitches!"

"I'm trying to reach my water."

"Janet'll kill me if she sees me out of bed, but yeesh... just ask next time."

"Right. I once wrote a note in my journal  
About a particularly peculiar colonel--"

"Oh, so we're back to this, are we?"

"--Who was usually abrupt  
'Til I got shot in the butt,  
When he turned into poultry, maternal."

"Did you just call me a 'mother hen'?"

"I believe he did, O'Neill."

"I once walked a mile in the rain  
Carrying a guy who was being a pain  
He'd been shot in the bum  
Morphine made it numb  
But 'twas a shame that it didn't numb his brain!"

"Ha. You're full of 'em today, Jack. Or should I say full of 'it'?"

"There once were some prisoners, three--"

"Whoa, Teal'c's getting in on it, too?"

"Apparently."

"--Whom I soon learned were of the Tau'ri.  
Though I'll follow their ways  
'Til the end of my days  
Their humor remains a mystery."

* * *

Author's Notes: 

Yeah, that took all of about 30 minutes to write. Seriously.


	2. Limericks II

**Limericks II **by Cleo the Muse  
Rating: All Ages  
Genre: General, Humor  
Warnings: Bad poetry.  
Episodes: None, and could be set in any season featuring the original team.  
Synopsis: No plot whatsoever. Busted up and confined to the infirmary, SG-1 finds a way to pass the time. Again.  
Status: Completed as of November 19, 2006  
Notes: What can I say? Lightning DOES strike twice...

* * *

**Limericks II**

"My team, through the wormhole got pitched  
Got banged up and had to get stitched  
By a doc with a smile  
Though she sure took a while  
While she scolded the colonel and--"

"No. Not again, Colonel."

"Oh, but _Doc_--"

"Don't 'but Doc', me. The last time you got it in your head to start up a rhyming contest in the infirmary, you twisted your knee _again_ trying to throw a pillow at Daniel, who ripped his stitches trying to _dodge_. It bounced off him, knocking Major Carter off her chair so that she hit her head _again_ and accidentally elbowed Teal'c in the pouch when he tried to catch her. _Not again_."

"There once was an SGC doc--"

"Colonel..."

"--Who did check-ups and tests 'round the clock  
She was fond of her penlight  
Though the darn thing was too bright  
I don't bug a doc with a Glock."

"And yet you keep doing it anyway. You're doing it _now_, even."

"There once was an alien race--"

"Daniel!"

"--Who had ships that went into space  
Though those ships sure can zoom  
They make a nice boom  
When C4's all over the place."

"And make lots of shrapnel to shred up my patients, too, I might add."

"Daniel's right, Janet... they did make a really nice 'boom'."

"My, Sam, you're _astonishingly_ agreeable when you're doped up on painkillers."

"Yep, Janet... feeling _no_ pain, thanks. When SG-1 ran into Zeus--"

"I'm surrounded by rhyming fools."

"It was all they could do to get loose  
They made their escapes  
But got a few scrapes  
Thank goodness for Jan's happy juice!"

"Nurse, how many cc's did you give her?"

"I once met an SGC nurse--"

"Oh, brother, not you too, Teal'c."

"--Who found hard to decide what was worse  
Avoiding her boss  
When the doctor was cross  
Or listening to SG-1 verse."

"Way to go T!"

"Doctor? How is SG-1?"

"Feeling no pain, sir!"

"Thank you, Colonel, but I was asking Doctor Frasier."

"They'll be fine, general. Unfortunately the nursing staff is about to take up arms."

"Being disagreeable patients again?"

"The SG-1 team members, four--"

"Ah. I see the problem already, Doctor."

"--Were on P2R-354--"

"Doctor Jackson..."

"In ambush were caught  
They valiantly fought  
And came back the victors, but sore."

"Despite the rather unorthodox delivery, Doctor, I _am_ getting their debriefing."

"Yes sir. But the _last_ time they got into a limerick war--"

"There were further casualties, I understand. It will take only a minute or two, Doctor."

"Though I most _vehemently _protest... yes, sir."

"Thanks, General! You're the best."

"Colonel O'Neill, Doctor Jackson mentioned an ambush?"

"Yep. On planet P2-somethin'-something  
My team was to meet with the king  
Instead, met Jaffa  
Some booms, then _voila!  
_We come back home through the ring."

"Are you sure none of them is concussed, Doctor?"

"MRIs were clear, sir. I _could_ check again."

"Janet, we're _fine_. Just a little giddy from escaping certain doom by the skin of our teeth. Again."

"Daniel Jackson, my teeth do not--"

"It's just an expression, Teal'c."

"I see."

"At times, I think I should weep--"

"Janet?!"

"--When SG-1's left in my keep--"

"If you can't lick 'em, join 'em, eh Doc?"

"--But my needles will find  
A colonel's behind  
If they don't soon drop off to sleep."

"'Night."

* * *

Author's Notes: 

Again, this one wouldn't let ME sleep... Forty minutes for it.

Oh, and for those of you unfamiliar with military hardware and/or handguns, the standard-issue sidearm for the U.S. Military is the Beretta 92F, aka the M-9. Often, though, Special Ops and other folks picky about their weapons will buy Sig or Glock models for personal use. Be afraid of Janet, Jack... very afraid...


	3. Limericks III

**Limericks III **by Cleo the Muse  
Rating: All Ages  
Genre: General, Humor  
Warnings: Bad poetry.  
Episodes: Season seven, vague mention of "Fallen".  
Synopsis: No plot whatsoever. Busted up and confined to the infirmary, SG-1 finds a way to pass the time. Yet again.  
Status: Completed as of November 24, 2006  
Notes: I'm slowin' down... 50 minutes for this one //sniff//.

* * *

**Limericks III**

"Oh, another great mission we lucked  
But in less than an hour we ducked  
Arrows shot from all sides  
Which did spear tender hides  
You could say from the start we were--"

"Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"What's with the, uh... rhyme?"

"SG-1 tradition, Danny Boy, yet another thing you have to remember."

"There's a lot of that going around."

"Ha! You always were a funny guy."

"Really?"

"What the colonel's trying to say is that his own peculiar sense of humor's rubbed off on you, Daniel."

"Uh, thanks, Sam. But, uh... that doesn't explain the... poetry."

"It's a tradition of ours that did stick,  
When the whole team is injured or sick,  
In the infirmary confined  
They need to unwind  
In the form of a poem: limerick."

"You're saying we used to do this all the time?"

"Indeed. You were quite skilled at this exercise."

"Yep. Even beat me at my game a time or two, I'll admit. But I've had a whole year to think of new ones, and I'm getting pretty good at 'em. There once was a very smart lad  
Who'd received three degrees, all post-grad.  
But the rules he did snub--  
Got kicked out of the club--  
And was left in a field, quite unclad."

"I knew I shouldn't have told you where I got the name 'Arrom'."

"Daniel, if you hadn't told him, he'd have gotten it out of one of the villagers anyhow."

"Nomads."

"No-whats?"

"Nomads, Jack. Sam called Shamda's people villagers, but they were nomads."

"Ooooookay. And what does this have to do with anything?"

"Nothing. It's just another thing that popped into my head, that's all."'

"Whatever. This is supposed to be a team effort, kids, so get to rhymin'."

"What are the rules?"

"What rules?"

"The rules to the, uh, limerick thing."

"Only that it be limerick, Daniel Jackson, though the preferred rhyme is of recent events. For example: On P8K-475  
Our contact to meet we did strive.  
But the natives were restless--  
The event was not stressless--  
We were fortunate enough to survive."

"Uh... okay."

"Way to go, T-man!"

"The Tok'ra don't mean to betray,  
Though I'm sure that it has seemed that way.  
They're really not bad  
Except for my dad,  
Who's 'bad' in his weird little way."

"I'm tellin' Jacob you called him weird."

"Go right ahead, sir. He'll take it as a compliment."

"Why doesn't that surprise me? This mission wasn't for the birds  
With the Tok'ra, I should have a few words  
They make my teeth ache  
With the exception of Jake  
Those snakes sure are treacherous turds!"

"I don't think they could have known the natives would attack, sir."

"My main problem is they didn't tell us there _were_ natives, Carter. So, Danny, you figured out how to do it yet?"

"I think so. Limericks use terminal sounds  
To form rhymes in a way that astounds--"

"By, George, I think he's got it."

"Often ribald or funny,  
Quick-witted or 'punny'--  
Five-liners in which humor abounds."

"Way to go, Danny! I always said you were a bright boy."

"Although I remember the 'Gate--"

"He's on a roll, sir."

"And filled lines in on my blank slate--"

"Well, that's _one_ way to put it."

"One thing still does annoy:  
When Jack calls me a 'boy',  
Does_ he _remember I'm thirty-eight?"

* * *

Author's Notes: 

Although I've had a few comments that there should be the little "he said"/"she said" tags on the lines of dialogue, I find that it destroys the rhythm of the story itself. To me, it's also more challenging to leave the conversation un-annotated, as it forces me to ensure that each line is as completely "in character" as possible--removing any doubt who is speaking. It's also just completely different for me. As any of you who have ever read any of my other 'fics might have noticed, I rarely use the word "said" at all, preferring more descriptive verbs such as "replied", "announced", "declared", "snickered", "ordered", etc.

On that note, thanks for all the wonderful support! With FFnet's email seemingly down (_I_'m not getting any emails from them, anyway), I'm not sure if any of you have been receiving my replies to your reviews, but I have been! Nothin' makes a writer happier than feedback... except her very own Daniel Jackson clone, of course.


	4. Limericks IV

**Limericks IV** by Cleo the Muse  
Rating: All Ages  
Genre: General, Humor  
Warnings: Bad poetry.  
Episodes: Season nine, brief references to "Stronghold" and "Off the Grid.  
Synopsis: No plot whatsoever. Busted up and confined to the infirmary, SG-1 finds a way to pass the time.  
Status: Completed as of November 26, 2006  
Notes: A few less limericks than normal, but they _are_ introducing it to a new team member--as well as raking him over the coals for being a loveable idiot.

* * *

**Limericks IV**

"There once was a colonel named 'Cam'  
His team, he did march through Bedlam  
'Cause their protests he missed  
And now the team's pissed  
As it seems Cam does _not_ give a--"

"Jackson?"

"What?"

"I know that you're ticked off at me an' all, but what's with the poetry?"

"It's an SG-1 tradition, Cameron. Usually, the team leader starts, but Daniel did this time only 'cause you didn't know about it."

"About what?"

"After a painful and unpleasant mission,  
Confined but capable of cognition--"

"What the--"

"SG-1 tells limericks  
Though the nurses it ticks  
They still leave the team to their tradition."

"Well put, Teal'c."

"Thank you, Daniel Jackson."

"We've been in the infirmary before, why haven't you told me of this tradition already?"

"Because we haven't _all_ been confined to the infirmary, and never overnight. So congratulations, Mitchell, you've stumbled us all into your first full-team infirmary limerick recitation."

"Is he always this sarcastic, or is it just the pain meds talking?"

"The medications are not the cause of his humor, but rather the means by which it is liberated."

"You're saying they make him slap-happy?"

"Indeed."

"Oh, he'll learn from the school of hard knocks  
SG-1 has no time for dumb jocks--"

"I'm not a--"

"Listen to our advice  
Or we'll all pay the price--  
Like getting ambushed by two tons of rocks."

"Aw, c'mon, Jackson! I said I was sorry."

"And yet this is the third such incident in which you have ignored the advice of Daniel Jackson and Colonel Carter. The first was my rescue from Ba'al,  
Then the kassa incident, I recall.  
Though through each we did muck  
It was by sheer dumb luck  
But none should have happened at all."

"The point is, Cameron, just because you're the _leader_ of SG-1, doesn't mean you just lead and we follow you around wherever you go. With this team, when you set out to guide--"

"Oh, boy... you too?"

"First thing, you must swallow your pride.  
Daniel, Teal'c, or me,  
We'll advise you, you see  
So listen up before you decide."

"It's not a team, it's a committee?"

"Not quite. Think of us more like parts of the same body. Sensory input comes in from various sources--me, Sam, and Teal'c--but you have to be the one to take the input and convert it into action."

"Oh. So you're sayin' I'm the brains of this outfit?"

"More like the frontal lobe of the brain, while the rest of us are the parietal, temporal, and occipital lobes. Each has an important function in providing sensory input and analysis, but the frontal lobe controls voluntary movement."

"Wow."

"Great metaphor."

"Thanks, Sam! But you know, Mitchell, there's one part of this which _isn't_ your fault."

"What's that?"

"When the natives did come to our rescue  
And removed all the rocks, no one knew  
That they'd turn out to be cannibals--  
Mini-me Hannibals--  
Intent to turn us into stew."

"Ew... don't remind me, Jackson."

"You were remarkably mobile upon learning their intentions, Colonel Mitchell."

"Yeah? I noticed none of the rest of ya had any problems keeping up."

"I think we were pretty motivated, Cameron."

"I hope that missions never get dull--"

"That sounds suspiciously like an attempt at a limerick."

"Shut up, Jackson, I'm trying, here. I hope that these missions ne'er get dull  
But when I meet an alien cannibal  
No matter how bruised  
It can't be accused,  
That this lobe didn't lead from the frontal."

"Mitchell, there's hope for you yet."

* * *

Author's Notes: 

Does this satisfy my urge to write a 'fic in which Cameron foolishly blunders into disaster yet again and puts the team in danger so that they and Jack have to rake him over the coals about it? Nope. But I do thank you all for the wonderful reviews I've been receiving!

One more chapter to go, then back to my regularly scheduled insanity...


	5. Limericks V

**Limericks V **by Cleo the Muse  
Rating: All Ages  
Genre: General, Humor  
Warnings: Bad poetry.  
Episodes: Season ten! Spoilers for "Morpheus", reference to season seven's "Fallen".  
Synopsis: No plot whatsoever. Busted up and confined to the infirmary, SG-1 finds a way to pass the time. Don't they always?  
Status: Completed as of November 30, 2006  
Notes: See below for a complete acknowledgement (as long as the story itself). On with the silliness!

* * *

**Limericks V**

"The mission offworld was a hit,  
Until we got thrown in a pit  
A cell of detention  
Quite good at retention  
Of rainwater, garbage, and--"

"How in the _world_ did you know?"

"Know what, Cameron? I didn't know we'd get tossed--"

"Not _that_, Vala. I'm talkin' about the _rhyme_."

"Oh! General O'Neill told me about it! Back when the four of you got back from Planet Dreamland, he came by the infirmary and told me that if any of you had been awake--"

"Great. He tells you but not _me?_"

"I think that was the _least_ of what he forgot to tell _you_ about joining the team."

"Oh, so you _are_ awake, Jackson! I thought you were asleep with all that _snoring_ I kept hearing."

"Not snoring. I'm just so congested, I can't breathe properly."

"That would be because of the pneumonia, which is why you should all be _resting_ and not _rhyming_."

"Well, I'll be... Doctor Lam! I didn't see you there. Care to join us?"

"For the last time, Colonel, _no_. Somehow these poetry battles always end up with additional injuries beyond those that landed you in here in the _first_ place."

"There once was a poem free-for-all--"

"Colonel Carter..."

"Whose results, the doc did apall  
Although in good fun  
No one'd be out-done  
So it wound up an SG-1 brawl."

"Amazing. I didn't know _anyone_ could scare off the CMO!"

"I've--_we've_ had practice. Lots."

"I bet. Now where were we? Oh, yes! As team leader, I'm supposed to go _first_, but Vala beat me too it."

"Really? General O'Neill didn't tell me that part."

"Right. Okay, here we go! There once was a team of Tau'ri--"

"Oh, I'm not Tau'ri."

"Nor am I."

"Stick with me here. There once was a team of Tau'ri  
Who went to P14-423  
They rescued SG-1  
When the team couldn't run  
'Cause they'd been tossed in a pit of debris."

"There was a considerably greater quantity of mud than debris, Colonel Mitchell."

"And did you see the look on Colonel Reynolds' face when he realized the moving mud piles were _us?_"

"I did, Sam... he hasn't looked that surprised to see anything since he recognized me on Vis Uban. When SG-3 found us in our 'cell'  
They were speechless, unable to tell  
What's person, what's ooze--  
Until something moves--  
'Cause you sure can't rely on the smell!"

"Oh, you got _that_ right. I've had three showers and I _still_ smell like that place."

"I am unable to discern the difference, Colonel Mitchell."

"Is that a joke? You're doing the eyebrow thing, that means it's a joke, right?"

"Although raising an eyebrow does irk  
Ones who misunderstand the quirk  
I would like to set straight  
The eyebrow does translate  
To the Jaffa version of a smirk."

"Ooh, I like that."

"Should the rest of us be worried by how buddy-buddy Teal'c and Vala are getting?"

"Nope. Just you, Mitchell."

"I'm sensing a conspiracy."

"Oh, you betcha."

"General?"

"Jack!"

"I heard you'd all decided to go for that mud facial special at the '423 spa."

"Mud facial?"

"Wrong kind of mud, Vala."

"Oh."

"Anyhow, I thought I'd drop by and see how you were doing. Oh, and Mitchell?"

"Sir?"

"When you accepted leadership of these folks  
You learned they live by diff'rent strokes  
What you _failed_ to heed  
Was the fine print that agreed  
You'd _also_ be the butt of their jokes."

"_Now_ you tell me..."

* * *

Author's Notes: 

That's all folks! A special thanks Batman'sBeauty18 who wanted a reunion with Jack, though I'd originally planned to include only Vala.

As for the rest of you, thanks go out to the following reviewers: AkimaDoll, Ally823, AnAspiringWriter, Bekki, Black Night Angel, Blonde-Existentialist, celiac chick, cinderella2122, Col.SamanthaCarter, Cranston, Danielle, Desert Blossom-by-the-Sea, dp, Dreamer22, Erikstrulove, Freckles-101, Hikaru Kosuzaku, joanoneill, kate, Katsu Kitsune, Kay Vegas, Kittle425, Knightgirl4Jack (and her brother), Lozz Sparrow, Maeve Bran, moms2398, MuseUrania, Nighshae, not-a-zatarc, PatriciaS, Quacked Lurker, Rebel Goddess, SabineHolterman, SG-Fan, Shinki, SmacksKiller, StargateAngel101, SuperNova13, TangledPencils, Verpoort, and xX-Fiona-Xx. Nice to see some new faces amongst the usual suspects!

...the following who obviously liked the silliness well enough to fav and/or alert but not review (it's all right, I feel the love anyhow 'cause you read it //wink wink// ) : 3rd.Apple, Bleak Decemberangel, Dex2468, ehangel, FruitcakesUnbound, GabeXorn, mak5258, mew-xena, Monzie, Omorocco, spookysister7, starwitch3, Summer Knight, and windpoetry (it wasn't ACTUALLY a review...)

...and the following off-site readers: Candy, Dreaming of Jack, Jaffatech, Leia, Maychorian, PyroDaemon, taylyn10, Winterstar (aka the lovely and talented "winterstar-Donna" on FFnet), and of course Snarky, who was inspired.

Last but not least, 'tis time for the gratuitous self-pimpage: As many of you are aware, Stargate SG-1 was cancelled over the summer in what many believe to be a very short-sighted decision by the SciFi Channel. Recently, the parent company which owns the rights to the Stargate franchise, MGM, sponsored a "Keep the Gate Open" competition to create a video of no more than two minutes in length explaining why the show should be saved.

I had a wacky idea (go figure) and went for it. Little did I know, my creation would be selected as one of ten finalists!

How can you help? On Wednesday, Nov. 29th, the top ten videos were posted and voting was opened to the general public. All you have to do is go to www dot gcbme dot com, register, then vote for my video "Save Stargate SG-1 (or Else!)" Voting concludes on Dec. 12th.

What do I stand to gain, besides the recognition for being a wacky fan with Windows Movie Maker, a DVD collection, and a bizarre sense of humor? The Grand Prize winner will receive $1000 and a signed copy of the script for "200". Then, of course, there's the bragging rights for being one of the wackiest fans out there--as though my poetry doesn't prove _that_ beyond a doubt anyhow--but I digress.

You can vote once every day. Your friends can vote once every day. Friends of your friends and people you don't know can vote once every day. The more people that vote, the more powerful the message is to "Keep the Gate Open". So get out the vote to help save Stargate SG-1!


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